As I turn in my biology worksheet 2 hours past the deadline, I couldn’t help but think about the class that I dropped last semester. It was the auto-tutorial version of the class I am taking now. I actually loved the class, but I just was not ready to sacrifice so much time to it. So I dropped it. I felt like I had fallen so behind in the class, and it bothered me to the point that I could not finish any assignments in my other class. I was not eating, sleeping, and it even got to a point that every time I opened the my book to work, I would fall asleep within 5 minutes.
I started to wonder if I really wanted to stay a bio major. It was the class that I cared the least about. I knew that what I was learning was really useful for the future when I become a doctor, but I just cannot see myself dedicating so much time to learning about this one subject.
Back to the auto-tutorial class, so many of my closest friends took the class. They all said it was hard, but useful. I believed them, and I knew that I was actually learning while taking the class. Hell, I remember so much of the information that the stuff I am learning this semester feels like review. Right now, we’re going into stuff about Glycolysis, ATP, and cellular respiration. To be honest, I absolutely hate all of this stuff. I have yet to crack open the textbook and I’m already two weeks into the semester. I couldn’t help but remember how I passed this unit last semester in the auto-tutorial class. Once you passed the unit, you were done with it and did not have to look back at it until the final exam.
This semester, it felt like the topic just would not end. There was always more to learn about it. The thing is that everything I needed to learn was not in the lectures; it was in the book. I thought that deciding to take the lecture version would help to narrow down the amount of information I needed to learn. It turns out that there was never enough information to learn.
In the auto-tutorial class, there were objectives for each section, so I knew exactly what I needed to learn. Even though there was a textbook, I guess it was a little filtered. While taking the class, it felt like there was an endless amount of information I needed to know. Instead, the lecture is now feeling that way.
Now I am looking back to last semester and I realized that I made a few errors in my judgment:
- I should have went and talked to the head professor of the class. Everyone said that she was very nice, but I felt like it was too late, because I was already an entire unit behind in the class
- I should have went to the TAs for help. I was super shy and it seemed like they always had students around them, so I never wanted to bother them. I felt like students kind of hogged them by sitting next to them.
- I should have taken the test for the last unit I was on: Unit 5. I could have seen how I did even if I failed it or not. I remember sitting in the lobby debating whether to take the test or not. I had reached such a low point. It was at that exact moment that I decided that I did not want to do this anymore. So I walked home and felt so much freedom. But now looking back, I could have went in and taken that test. I had spent the past two night without any sleep, and the least I could have done for myself was taken the test. I was completely terrified of failure.
- I should have looked back at how much I had accomplished. A few minutes ago, I just looked through the units I had completed and realized just how much information I had retained, and I could not believe that I achieved that. I did not realize that I was almost halfway to the finish line, and then I gave up. I should have looked back and flipped through those of pages of hard work, and maybe I would have realized what I had just given up.
- I should have set a constant date/deadline for myself. A friend of mine who is taking the class now set a specific day each week that she will be taking the exams. She said every Wednesday, which I thought was a great idea, and I wish I had done that instead of always looking at the deadline. Wednesday was not too early, but not too late either. She will definitely excel in the class.
- I should have managed my time more wisely. There was a day that I had a worksheet due, but I basically BS-ed it because I had dance practice in a few minutes. Now looking back, I could have been late to that dance practice and put in more effort into the worksheet. I ended up failing that worksheet, just because I rushed it. I need to prioritize school.
- Lastly, I should not have been so easy to sell myself short. I know that I am stronger than I think I am. I know that I have the power to do anything I set my mind to. I need to get into the right mindset and become a more confident person. I know that it’s for the best and it will ultimately make me a better person. I need to stop listening to people who are only trying to discourage me. I did not realize the power of people’s words until last semester, and I realize that it can be very hard, especially in the school that I am in, to stay motivated. People around you are constantly saying, “Oh, this class is hard” and “Oh, you are working way too hard!” and “You should not have been premed, ” and “You have no life because all you do is study.” Well yea, all I do is study because that is what I am in college to do. I have to stay motivated. I know I can be the world’s best doctor if I set my mind to it.
I can do it. I know I can. The only person standing in my way is myself. I need to put myself on a pedestal away from the discouragement, away from the negativity, and away from people trying to bring me down to their level. I am enough. “I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)