Serendipity

What just happened? What is this feeling? How can I describe it?

It was unplanned, unheard of, unspoken, and unseen.

We did not even think that we would even get to this point. How did this even happen?

I remember. It was when we were chosen as partners during the summer before our freshman year in college. We were quiet and did not have much to say to each other. All I remember is that

The feelings were already there, but I just never thought about them. They have been there since December, and I felt them go away as I progressed into 2016. Maybe because I began to distance myself. I just never dwelt on them. Maybe because he was a different religion than I was, so I automatically thought that he would not agree to it.

But here we are.

I had just come from shadowing a doctor (which was an ah-mazing experience, might I add), and he had just come from his room where he was… I actually don’t remember what he was doing. All I remember is that I had just gotten home at about 5:15pm, and we decided to keep talking about the day before (another blog about what that was all about). Basically, guys thought that I was unapproachable, or that I was already in a “relationship”. But what relationship?

So I was talking to him about that, then the conversation progressed into what others have been saying. Then it kept progressing into who I liked and who he liked. Then, we went into who we liked in our immediate friend group, and then it just… happened.

Usually, I am really good at telling whether a guy likes me or not. And usually, guys do not approach me about it. Probably because of the fact that they thought I was taken…

But this time around, it actually snuck up on me. I was not expecting the conversation to take such a sharp detour. In fact, I was very adamant about leaving the conversation where it was and not sharing my feelings. This may have been the first time that I actually told a guy that I had liked him.

Once it left my mouth, there was no way of taking them back, and I was scared. I had never in my life told a guy that I liked him, but for some reason, I got the feeling that he may have liked me back, and that thought terrified me.

So, of course, my worst nightmare came to life and he said that he had liked me too, right around the time that I started liking him (while I’m writing this, my hands began to shake because I am still not used to this feeling, nor do I think that I ever will be). He said that these feelings started when I began to come around more often, and that was actually around the time that I started liking him too.

After it was in the air, I just did not know how to proceed. There was a silence for a while, and then we were just laughing at each other, wondering why we didn’t say anything to each other earlier. Then more silence… I knew what the silence meant even though we weren’t speaking.

Was it too late?

I tried to ask the question, but the words just wouldn’t leave my lips. I guess he knew that I was struggling, because he went ahead and asked it, and I answered that I didn’t think so. I asked him if he thought so, and he shook his head no.

More silence. Now what?

After this, things were just a little weird, a little awkward, but at the same time a little comforting to know that we were both in the same boat. We were both learning. And this kind of sucked because he had a 1-question, 2:30-hour prelim that began in 45 minutes (weird right?). So he started to study, and I said that I would join him, just to see what he was learning. So he knelt down by his bed, and I was sitting in a chair next to him. He was teaching me the stuff, and during that time, I just could not even concentrate on what he was saying. I was just still processing in my brain what happened, how it happened, why it happened…

When he left for his prelim, he gave me a hug, and it felt weird at first, but as the hug went on, I felt more comfortable and relaxed, though I kept repeating “This is weird, this is weird”. I told him that it would need some getting used to… actually the entire situation would need some getting used to.

So yea, this is pretty crazy.

I still can’t believe this, and I am wondering to myself, “What happened to all the guys that I had crushes on? Were they just distractions?”

Do we now to have to spend more time together?

What will our friends say? I mean yea, it’s our relationship, but they live on the same floor as us. What will happen when they know?

Spring break is next week, and he actually leaves tomorrow! What now?? :I

I am still in shock, and this happened about an hour ago. But it happened so suddenly and I was not ready. Maybe it won’t hit me until tomorrow when I wake up, and I realize that I am actually in a relationship. Maybe it won’t hit until I see him again, and I realize that our friendship has just changed.

It’s weird, because throughout my time of writing this post, I have been staring at his door as if he is in there or something.

The real question is… am I ready?

I have always heard that the best relationships are the ones that are unplanned.

I have also heard that the best relationships started as friendships.

Hopefully this means that we will have the most amazing relationship ever.

 

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Killer.

Why? Why cancer? Why couldn’t you go after the criminals and killers in the world? Why couldn’t you go after people like Hitler and Hussein? Why don’t you go after the child abusers and kidnappers?

Why go after the children? Why go after the babies who have yet to experience the world? Why go after the mother who has 5 children? Why go after the father who worked hard to make a living for his family?

Why go after the CEO of a multi-billion dollar computer franchise,  who was an amazing father and husband?

Why go after a high school teacher who brought joy, love, and positive energy to every single person she made contact with?

Why go after a classmate who shows ardor for biology with every waking moment that she is in the class?

Lastly, why go after not only an amazing woman who was inaugurated the president of one of the world’s best research institutions just 8 months ago, but the joy and happiness, leader, and role model for over 20,000 college students not including those who she has touched before assuming position at this institution?

Yes, today (03/07) my college informed us that the president who we have only had for 8 months had died from stage 4 colon cancer. Imagine my emotions when I received this message today at 12:20pm. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. And the sad part was that today was an amazingly beautiful day weather-wise. The sun was shining and it was a comfortable 50 degrees. Who would have thought that the most beautiful days could be the most tragic?

Her death made me think back to when I volunteered for her inauguration. There was a strong urge for me to do it, and I could not explain why. I  remember telling people at the time, “This inauguration is going to go down in history. Our first lady president!” So I wanted to help out with it so that in the future I could say that I was part of the inauguration (It was a lame reason to do it, I know). While helping, I was able to listen to her talk and listen to what she had to say about different topics. The way that she composed herself in everything that she did was so graceful and so energetic. I loved her already, and I was so excited to have her as our president.

I really wanted to meet her one day. Someway somehow. I didn’t know when, but I said I would.

How can cancer be so cruel? How can life be so cruel? Murderers are out there daily taking innocent lives from loved ones, and yet they get to continue living. They run free without a care in the world. It’s unfair and unjust. It’s not right.

The saddest part for me about this entire tragedy was that she went through so much these past few months, and this fact was oblivious to the entire campus. So many people talked about her like she would always be here. Even one of my professors were making jokes about how she was raising our tuition.

We all knew that she had announced the beginning of her treatment for cancer about two weeks ago. I was very saddened by the news, but for some reason it didn’t hit me that she was starting her battle for cancer. I also did not know what that battle entailed.

I cannot even imagine everything that she had gone through during these past few months. The treatments, the pain, the constant stresses made to her body on a daily basis, the internal fight inside her which she had no control over…

Now looking at it, I am glad that she is better. She does not have to suffer or go through anymore treatments. She is finally at peace, and I am all the more grateful for that.

1st Bio Test of the Year. Yay.

I just took my first Bio test of the year for my Animal Physiology and Anatomy class, and let me just say… well what is there to really say about it?

The wording was so weird that I have no words to describe it. I was warned before going into the test that the professor’s use of words was a little wonky, but I didn’t know just how wonky it would be until I  looked at the first question and mentally asked myself, “Huh?” It was like I was just reading each work individually and could not get them to form into a complete thought. I read each question atleast three times, and it seemed like each reread was the same as the former. At first, I thought I was going through some test anxiety (as is common for me), but after the test I talked to a classmate who also just came from the class. He confirmed my beliefs that the wording of the questions were… unique.

Now why hasn’t anyone said anything to the professor about this? Heck, why hasn’t the professor tried and changed it?

Taking this test today brought me back to freshman year when I took another introductory bio class. Every time I took one of those tests, I was always confused. The wording of each question, the short span of time I had to take the test, the multiple answer choices that all seemed correct. I just did not understand how people took these tests. I studied for so long last night and opening the test it was like I was hearing about these concepts for the first time.

I prefer taking exams that are not so… wordy. Like chemistry. Or math. Atleast when the tests are returned to me, I understand the problems I got wrong and know what I need to do for the next test. And usually, the second test will be just as smooth as the first.

Well not in Biology. Atleast in my case.

When I get those tests back, I don’t even go through it or question why I got it wrong. Usually I see the right answer, and I just say to myself, “Oh, I guess I had to think of it in another way” or “I would have never gotten that because I did not memorize that concept.” To me, biology just feels like pure regurgitation. You memorize a bunch of information, and the tests seek to test you on your cramming skills. Some people can study for biology right before the test and completely ace the test just because they can memorize super well. Personally, I cannot do that. I need to understand the history behind it. If a certain pathway works in a certain way, I have to question why. What makes it do that?

This way of thinking can before pretty time-consuming, which is why I cannot use so much time doing it. Plus, all that extra info won’t even help me on the test. Maybe it will help me memorize the process, but how many questions will be asking for the specifics? Answer: not many.

And this is why I like chemistry. I can research so much into a topic, and it turns out that it will help me to figure out the basis of ALL the different mechanisms (yes, I’m referring to Organic Chemistry) because they are all interconnected. I do understand that Biology is interconnected as well, but I just don’t feel that it is as interconnected as Chemistry.

Maybe the Chemistry major is right for me. I really don’t know. I have to figure this out before the end of this semester, which doesn’t leave me any time at all.