The more time I have given to other people, the more I realize that I really do not have time for myself. Like at all.
I thought that throwing myself into more activities this year would be a good thing for me. I would make more experiences, and it would force me to have better time management skills.
Those two things definitely did happen, but they still need to be improved.
I have yet to have any time where I have just relaxed.
I always have either an E-Board meeting for one of two groups (dance or biology), practice for my dance group, meeting up with a friend, doing homework, spending time with more friends, giving notes, answering questions, research (which I haven’t been to in a while, and the last day of classes was Wednesday), Office Hours, sending emails, getting forms signed, training for a counseling service on campus, work, etc. etc. ETC.
And even now, I am suppose to be studying with a friend, but I never get anything done with him because, well, he’s my best friend. And he’s on the phone right now.
I am just so tired and I am ready to just go home and relax. But even then, when I go home I will probably still have no time to myself.
I felt bad last night because I kind of went off on a friend who I promised we would watch a movie last night. It was right after I had an event. So I didn’t get back until about 12:43am. Right when I got back, I guess he heard my voice, so he messaged me saying if I was free. When I got to my room, I laid on my bed for a little bit just to relax. This was the first time that I had actually gotten time to myself. Just peace and quiet. My roommate was already asleep so it was just quiet.
Then my phone buzzed… it was my friend.
He was reminding me that I told him that we should have a movie night. I told him that I needed time to get ready. I almost added in the message that I needed time for myself, but I decided not to add that in.
I ended up taking about 20 minutes to take a nap, and afterwards I felt so much better. As in wide awake. I woke up, and he texts me asking me if I still wanted to do the movie night. I said, “Yes, why?” And he said, “Well, you’re still not here.” In my slightly sleepy/slightly awake state, I was pissed off. Can’t I have just an hour to myself? Why couldn’t he understand that I had just spent an entire day with people today, and I had no time to myself? I had seen him earlier in the day, so can’t he just wait for a second??
I answer, “I already told you that I needed to get ready. This includes time to relax for one second and also shower.” Right after I sent that, I knew that I had acted out of line. I know that he wanted to spend some time together, but I just needed time to relax.
He texts me saying, “I didn’t know. I’ll be in the lobby.”
I felt bad, but the night before I really wanted time to myself then too, but he just came in and took it away from me. I was sitting in the lobby and hoped that no one would be awake. Instead, he comes outside and he sees me and decides that he wanted to stay. I told him that I was studying, which I was, and I knew that he would be a distraction. He claimed to be studying too, but I knew that he wasn’t because it was already 2 in the morning. He usually slept at about 1.
I really hoped that he would go away, but he wouldn’t budge at all. Needless to say, my “me time” that was only to last for an hour turned into a 2-hour “sleep time” (I tend to fall asleep when someone is around me and it’s night time. I have no idea why). And he never left until I said that I was leaving. I didn’t get any work done and I had just wasted two hours doing what I could have done in my bed. Slept.
So I went to sleep a little pissed off, but I guess I knew that he meant well. I just think that he needed to know that I just needed space. I needed time alone. It was vital for me and my sanity.
I need to incorporate more of that into my life or else I will go crazy.