This week, I’ve really thought about it. I’ve really really thought about it.
If i were to disappear one day, who would really notice?
How many friends have actually checked in on me recently?
I’m being very serious even though it is a common question I think many people ask. I just realized that not a single friend has really texted me this week or last week or the week before that asking me if we could get lunch or anything like that. I mean yea, we make these promises in passing saying “Yea we should catch up” and have never followed up with it unless I initiated it.
And many times, it seems like I am the one giving more into the friendship than the other person. I mean, I am always there for a friend. I’ve had so many people come to me because they know that I’m a good listener, that I can keep a secret, that I wouldn’t tell anyone, that I try my best not to judge anyone… but I’d love to have that kind of person in my life.
I used to, you know.
I used to have someone who I went to all the time. He was just such a great listener and friend. He never judged me for anything that I did, which was super interesting, because I’ve told him alot about myself.
But then, he just disappeared. Out of my life. Just like that.
I think that’s where my trust issues stem from. Well, that and childhood.
I used to tell my middle sister alot of things, I confided her in everything… And then she fell in love with my best friend, and she ended up telling him everything. Everything. Anything that happened in the house, he was the first to know. Anything I talked to her about, she started texting him. I think she still does, which is why I don’t trust her at all.
I definitely trust my younger sister though She’s an angel. But I can tell that my middle sister has tried to influence her ever since I left for college.
Ugh I hate crying or getting teary-eyed in public. Everytime I write these kinds of posts, I feel like such a sap.
I’m in the library doing work, and I felt like I had so much on my mind, so here I am taking some time to myself just writing about stuff, and I’m getting so emotional, over what though? And I keep looking up to make sure that no one is watching me stare at my laptop through watery eyes.
But I lowkey do wish that someone would notice and just come up to me with concerned eyes and ask me, “Are you okay?” And actually be genuine about it. It would remind me that people are not just wrapped up in their own worlds of assignments and papers and actually have time for other people.
Ughhh here I go getting watery-eyed again. And… yup, I looked up and the guys sitting in front of me could care less as they intently type away at their assignments. But then again, they’re not obligated to give a crap about others, and that’s okay by society.
I think I need to talk to someone professional. The only thing keeping me from doing that is that I feel like it would be a dead end. I mean, what will the person tell me?
“Yea, it sounds you have a pretty sucky life. How do you feel now?”
I’ve already gone through the training to be a counselor, and as nice as it is talking to someone about these problems, I also feel like people can only do so much for you. I mean, that’s their job – to listen to you and your problems. Which is nice, it’s just that I wish I could tell a friend who could possibly help me out maybe? Maybe give advice?
I mean yea, a professional could probably give me advice, but it’d probably be along the lines of “Get more sleep, relax, meditate… have you thought about Buddhism?”
Idk, maybe not the Buddhism part, but I’m just a bit skeptical. It may just be due to my upbringing and the fact that there’s this running idea in my culture that your problems are your own, and you need to deal with them.
Today, I read this quote about the happiest people on earth:
The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer like they do — Anonymous.
To some extent, I do believe this is true, but now this makes me question why I want to become a doctor in the first place? Why did I think working for the United Nations would be ideal? Because I know that people are suffering much worse than I am and I want to feel good about myself?
But then that brings into question why I am part of this group I’m in currently at my college where I work to bring my community together. Well, I do that because I know that we are stronger as a campus united together than just as small, separate groups. I feel like there are marginalized groups that want to have their voices heard. I believe that we all have hidden pockets of gold that if we put our minds together, will end up creating some of the greatest inventions and discoveries known to man.
Well, this has taken a different turn from what I thought I was going to talk about, but it has helped as usual.
Better than a professional? I have no idea.