Check-In

This week, I’ve really thought about it. I’ve really really thought about it.

If i were to disappear one day, who would really notice?

How many friends have actually checked in on me recently?

I’m being very serious even though it is a common question I think many people ask. I just realized that not a single friend has really texted me this week or last week or the week before that asking me if we could get lunch or anything like that. I mean yea, we make these promises in passing saying “Yea we should catch up” and have never followed up with it unless I initiated it.

And many times, it seems like I am the one giving more into the friendship than the other person. I mean, I am always there for a friend. I’ve had so many people come to me because they know that I’m a good listener, that I can keep a secret, that I wouldn’t tell anyone, that I try my best not to judge anyone… but I’d love to have that kind of person in my life.

I used to, you know.

I used to have someone who I went to all the time. He was just such a great listener and friend. He never judged me for anything that I did, which was super interesting, because I’ve told him alot about myself.

But then, he just disappeared. Out of my life. Just like that.

I think that’s where my trust issues stem from. Well, that and childhood.

I used to tell my middle sister alot of things, I confided her in everything… And then she fell in love with my best friend, and she ended up telling him everything. Everything. Anything that happened in the house, he was the first to know. Anything I talked to her about, she started texting him. I think she still does, which is why I don’t trust her at all.

I definitely trust my younger sister though She’s an angel.  But I can tell that my middle sister has tried to influence her ever since I left for college.

Ugh I hate crying or getting teary-eyed in public. Everytime  I write these kinds of posts, I feel like such a sap.

I’m in the library doing work, and I felt like I had so much on my mind, so here I am taking some time to myself just writing about stuff, and I’m getting so emotional, over what though? And I keep looking up to make sure that no one is watching me stare at my laptop through watery eyes.

But I lowkey do wish that someone would notice and just come up to me with concerned eyes and ask me, “Are you okay?” And actually be genuine about it. It would remind me that people are not just wrapped up in their own worlds of assignments and papers and actually have time for other people.

Ughhh here I go getting watery-eyed again. And… yup, I looked up and the guys sitting in front of me could care less as they intently type away at their assignments. But then again, they’re not obligated to give a crap about others, and that’s okay by society.

I think I need to talk to someone professional. The only thing keeping me from doing that is that I feel like it would be a dead end. I mean, what will the person tell me?

“Yea, it sounds you have a pretty sucky life. How do you feel now?”

I’ve already gone through the training to be a counselor, and as nice as it is talking to someone about these problems, I also feel like people can only do so much for you. I mean, that’s their job – to listen to you and your problems. Which is nice, it’s just that I wish I could tell a friend who could possibly help me out maybe? Maybe give advice?

I mean yea, a professional could probably give me advice, but it’d probably be along the lines of “Get more sleep, relax, meditate… have you thought about Buddhism?”

Idk, maybe not the Buddhism part, but I’m just a bit skeptical. It may just be due to my upbringing and the fact that there’s this running idea in my culture that your problems are your own, and you need to deal with them.

Today, I read this quote about the happiest people on earth:

The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer like they do — Anonymous.

To some extent, I do believe this is true, but now this makes me question why I want to become a doctor in the first place? Why did I think working for the United Nations would be ideal? Because I know that people are suffering much worse than I am and I want to feel good about myself?

But then that brings into question why I am part of this group I’m in currently at my college where I work to bring my community together. Well, I do that because I know that we are stronger as a campus united together than just as small, separate groups. I feel like there are marginalized groups that want to have their voices heard. I believe that we all have hidden pockets of gold that if we put our minds together, will end up creating some of the greatest inventions and discoveries known to man.

Hmm…

Well, this has taken a different turn from what I thought I was going to talk about, but it has helped as usual.

Better than a professional? I have no idea.

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Well It was Nice Meeting you

I wasn’t invited to a birthday party by someone who I thought was my best friend.

Last semester, I had helped her plan the entire event and yet I couldn’t even get an FB event, as if I had done something to her.

I tell her that I have to move out because the apartment was too expensive for me (given that the price changed on the first day of rent due to a couple tenants who felt like they should pay lower), and she throws a pity party FOR HERSELF.

F*cking baked a brownie cake with her boyfriend and friends who decided to do me dirty…

What a freaking joke.

I feel like just saying happy birthday today just to make her feel bad for not even inviting the one person who sat down and actually helped to plan the whole thing.

Maybe I should, Idk.

I tried talking with a friend earlier about this like an hour ago, and he said that she probably didn’t mean to directly hurt me. I do understand that, but the fact that after explaining everything, she felt like I could still live in that place just wasn’t feasible.

This is a financial problem. You can’t fix that unless you plan to pay the difference!

you know, the different price that your “friends” decided to put on me on the first day of the lease which happened to be inconveniently the day before the first day of classes!

And then after that, try and say that you didn’t know that all the micro-aggressions directed towards me just wasn’t something you saw as a “problem” and said that’s just “how they joke around” (!!!!!!). All those times that I told you the problem, you said you could see it, but you felt like we could talk it out and it’d be okay?????

This is so similar to all the micro-aggression from blatant racism in America! You think we can just talk that out one out too and the problem will go away???

I don’t know, if you’re a friend, you’d understand that I need to leave, I need to move out for my mental health. I can’t afford it, therefore I need to leave. And the fact that you defended your friends and said that they were in the right tells me just how close we were.

Oh and the fact that you let those other people in the apartment break up a friendship just so that they could feel financially comfortable (AND THEY’RE BOTH IN ROTC, SO I’M WONDERING WHAT FINANCIAL BURDEN THERE WAS! Not to be rude to those who fight for our freedom, but I also contemplated doing the exact same program, and I know for a fact that they have full scholarships) ….

I hope I haven’t offended anyone, but these are just my current feelings of distress, anger, a little bit of sadness, confusion, and somewhat relief (that I don’t have to play any sort of fake friendship games here).

This is just emotional vomit really, so please excuse my feelings.

But I just wish I had made better choices in friends during my years here. I mean I have made my fair share of great friends, and I feel like at this point, she may have been the last friend that needed to be filtered out.

Friends?

This is the second night of senior year, and I am already over O-Week.

It is overrated. This idea of drinking to the point of death, smoking to get as high as the moon, and having sex with random strangers just because our hormones are raging and we need to relieve all of this energy. It’s too much. I am still a virgin for a good reason.

I am just not into all of that shit. Not at all.

And then I’ve noticed just how much people have changed over the years.

The fact that close friends are now distant because they made new ones.

The fact that I now have “convenient” friends who only talk to you or call you when they have no one else. You know, those ones who say that you are their best friend, but when they are around other friends they treat you like shit.

Oh yea, then there are those people who do everything just to build their resume, just because it all looks good on paper.

There are those who become friends with you just so that they are not alone in this world.

There are those people who never listen to you and always talk about themselves. So basically they are your friend just so that you can listen to everything that they know others are too impatient to listen to. *Happens to be the most popular friend for me apparently*

There are those friends who were your friend at the beginning, but once they became popular and at a different social group they completely desert you.

There are those people who constantly invite you to all of their gatherings and events and they expect you to come, but then they never come to your events. And these are friends who want me to learn all about their culture and their history, but know nothing about anyone else’s.

Here is a community that I loved so dearly and I felt so connected to, yet the more I try to love it, the more I realize our flaws and where we need help. But it’s almost like there is nothing to help it and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. I don’t know how to explain it to the community and help them see my point of view. It’s like a person’s value and belonging in the community is contingent on how high up in social rank or social status we are. It doesn’t work. It’s not fun to feel like you are inferior to someone just because you decided not to go Greek.

Ridiculous.

Design

I love design.

I love everything about it, especially the ideas that come with it.

I watch behind the scenes videos of music videos and music concerts.

I love watching music videos, especially if there is a lot of choreography in it.

I love staring at very intricate paintings.

I used to watch a bunch of fashion show videos and thought they were amazing.

I loved the movie The Devil Wears Prada not even for the actors/actresses. I just loved the idea of fashion and the things they were able to do.

I love watching Victoria Secret fashion shows and their ads. Not because of the girls (I’m straight), but the design behind it. It just looks amazing the creation behind the whole line, and the energy that goes into it.

People always compliment me on what I wear and how I wear it. Apparently, I make just regular hoodies and jeans look nice. Idk how, but I guess it works.

When I was younger, I thought I would become a model, so I watched a bunch of model walk videos and practiced. I even went to a model casting thing in Atlanta for Barbizon Modeling because I had been invited. I don’t remember much from that, but I just never followed up with them.

America’s Next Top Model was my favorite show for a while. I loved watching the models and how they posed. I thought it was amazing how a person could make an article of clothing look so cool. I thought it was awesome to see how the way a person portrays the piece will dictate if someone else will decide to buy it or not.

I love watching choreography to different songs and watching how the dancers move.

When I was younger, “I Spy” was my favorite game to play, because I loved looking for things in the midst of alot of different things.  I also loved looking at the pages.

Dance moms used to be my favorite show because I loved watching the competitions and watching the girls dance. I wanted to understand how they did what they did.

I was always the one in clubs who came up with ideas on how to do the flyers and the social media. I knew how to get more people to an event just by the advertisement and design of the flyers.

I love interior design. I love trying to find things in thrift stores and garage sales that could be used to spice up a space.

In school, the part I loved about projects was the designing part. I was the one obsessed with the font to use, the colors to use, the pictures we needed, the layout of the slides, the positioning of everything. I honestly didn’t care what a powerpoint was about, I just cared about the animation between each slide, the bullets on each one, the spacing between the information, etc.

I loved doing posters, not necessarily the research part, but designing them. I remember how science fairs used to be my favorite things in high school. I loved designing my board and making it eye-catching.

I love DIY projects and could watch countless videos online.

I love watching “Dorm tours” or “room tours” or “house tours”.

When I was younger, I used to watch plenty of How it was Made shows. Those were so… mind blowing for me. I thought it was super cool to see the step-by-step process of how things were made in a factory and how they reached consumers. Still mind-boggling to me how people could think up stuff like that.

I love walking into retail stores and just looking at the way they lay out their clothing. The design of the store is really what draws me to it.

When I was younger, I used to play dolls with my sisters. We would cut up different pieces of fragment and make them into doll clothing. We made houses out of blankets and boxes. We used anything we could find to design things.

My room is full of DIY projects. I had to throw a bunch away because it was getting too clustered. 😦

I love thrift stores. I love finding little nuggets of treasure and doing something with them.

I’ve always been drawn to engineering because it’s all about invention and design.

I watch Pixar (which created my favorite animated movies) videos behind the scenes to see how the figures are created and the science behind it all.

I love going into the fashion design college at my school and looking at all the pieces, and figuring out how they made it, what was the inspiration, what did they make the pieces out of, etc.

I used to watch alot of home improvement shows and thought they were amazing.

“Say Yes to the Dress” was, and still is, my show! I love the wedding dresses, love love love! I love looking at the design, guessing what would look good on the bride, and watching them try things on.

I also loved watching this other show which was on TLC (whose name is slipping me) which was all about revamping someone’s closet and fashion sense. It always amazed me what they would choose as fashion and what wasn’t.

I loved watching award shows, not really for the awards, but just looking at everyone there, what they were wearing, the performances and how those were designed, the design of the whole award show really.

I loved watching big games, such as the Super Bowl, or Basketball games. Yes, the games were fun to watch, but I loved watching the advertisements that came with them, the design of the promos and ads, and the people I was watching the games with, the way they were reacting to the games, the convos, etc.

I loved watching Times Square ball drops at the beginning of the year. Those were fun to watch. I loved seeing the performances, the sparkling ball, the news cast with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin.

I love the design of music, how it comes together, how a composer thought up the way that music should sound, what they wanted it to sound like, what instruments to use and when to use them and how to use them,

I have redesigned my room more times than I could count. I watch YouTube videos on this type of stuff. Even in my dorm room, I’m never satisfied with how something looks. I feel like there’s always a better way to position things.

I organize everything into planners, and the type of planner matters to me, I always have to find the one that matches me.

When I was younger, I kept a portfolio (though at the time, I didn’t know that was what I had done) where I drew different styles of pumps, dresses, and shirts. I just had inspiration at the time, idk.

I love instagram and love great pictures. I believe that the best pictures are when the light is hitting in the right direction, the background is great, the filter used for the picture is great, and the organization of everything in the picture is great.

My favorite show used to be Project Runway, and I loved watching how the pieces came about, the thought process behind each piece, and the runway.

MTV Cribs used to be a favorite show of mine. I loved watching the design of the houses.

I love clothing. Love it. I have too many clothes and it’s hard for me to throw anything away, because I feel like there’s a way that I could wear it, or there’s something I could do to it (maybe like a DIY project).

I still watch plenty of hair videos, how to do natural hair, what to do with it, how to do your own braids, how to design your own hair, etc.

I love Coca-Cola and their factory. I live in Atlanta, and both times that I’ve been there, I just loved how their entire place looks. They show the factory, how it was made, how the bottles were designed. And before starting the whole world of coke tour, they show us this amazing ad. I remember watching it, and I nudged my friend, and told him, “I want to be the one behind making that. I want to design an ad like that.”

I love the aquarium and how it looks. Especially the Georgia Aquarium. Absolutely stunning.

My room is full of clutter. It’s almost like I’m a hoarder (I may as well be one). I always find a use to everything. I don’t see anything as trash.

I have 2 shoe boxes full of arts and crafts, along with a huge carton of markers and colored pencils.

I love the textures of different clothing. That’s what ultimately makes me choose to buy it. I’m still working on matching different textures though.

I love the African Fashion Show that my school puts on, because I love looking at not only the pieces, but how the girls are modeling, their face, their strut, their arms and how that’s positioned, and I love seeing everyone come out.

Michelle Obama’s fashion sense is life!

I love art museums and can stay in one all day. I also love museums in general.

I love technology stores, especially ones where I can interact with the items (ex: Best Buy). I love looking and playing around with new technology, seeing how it was made, what was the idea behind it, admiring its craftsmanship.

I would admire how my church would make their advertisements and their promo videos. I loved their videos and the way they came out. I would look at the fonts, the writing, the graphics, etc. It amazed me.

I love Pinterest. Love it. I use it for outfit inspiration.

Right now, I was just watching videos on the CEOs of both Forever 21 (who has an amazing story btw) and H&M, and I wanted to understand their logic behind starting their clothing stores.

I imagined myself for a second doing something like that…  being able to design my own clothing, watch others wear that clothing, attending fashion shows, etc. Just amazing stuff.

I’m also watching videos about design engineers, especially Dyson. It’s some of the coolest things I’ve seen in a while. And they’re just vacuum cleaners!

Design and development engineers do basically everything that I’ve always wanted to incorporate into my career.

I’m going to have to learn CAD (Computer aided design) though

Break the Static 2012

I’m sitting here in tears. Why am I crying so much? I’ve never cried so much before over an event that happened in the past. And these tears came so suddenly, so out of nowhere. I don’t know what just happened. I’m still processing it really.

There are only a few things in my life that I would say have really changed my life and my course of direction. VERY few. And these instances stick with me for a while. They will stay in my memory and strong emotions will come from those incidents, almost as if I relive those moments again.

Well, this just happened to me.

I was reminiscing over the Forward Conferences that I’ve been to in the past. They were a huge thing for me and my sisters in the summertime of my high school years. That was the conference I looked forward to every year. But why? What made it so exciting and fun?

I reminisced over one particular Forward conference I attended, and that was the summer of my sophomore year, Forward conference 2012. I didn’t realize just how much that one conference stuck out to me until now. I was re-watching all of the forward conferences, and for some reason Forward Conference 2012 was the first result on google. So I clicked that one.

As I watched the recap, instantly longing to go back and relive that moment came back to me. I watched as amazing over amazing people showed up in the people back to back. I mean people who were leading the world of Christian music and evangelism.

I remember Chris Tomlin, my all-time favorite Christian artist came out. His performance was absolutely moving. The next day was Third Day, another favorite. And then the next day was Jeremy Camp (who had the most beautiful eyes that you could see from even far away), yet another favorite! Micah Massey, Adam Ranney, Israel Houghton! These were artists that I grew up with (besides Micah and Adam, but they were worship leaders at my home church, so basically yea).

And as I watched them kind of summarize their artists, I felt some tears come into my eyes. I remember how I felt broken after each of their performances, and I just felt so vulnerable and open. It was raw emotion. And every time, I was never afraid to cry out to God and have my hands held high.

I miss those times.

And then they got to the speakers, and oh my God, I remember all of them. Every single one changed me.

Gianna Jessen, I absolutely love this lady. She has one of the best personalities you will ever find on this planet. So uplifting, so genuine, so delightful, so carefree. She did not care at all about any ill words toward her or any thoughts about her. She was just her. Her laugh is so contagious and beautiful. Anytime she smiled, the whole auditorium smiled along with her.

I remember how she told the auditorium about how she is an abortion survivor. She was suppose to die before birth using a burning saline solution. But instead, she lived and her mother gave birth to her. Due to this, she does live with a few “gifts” as she likes to call them (which made me tear up at the time at how much this woman has had to go through because of her mother’s decision. She lives with cerebral palsy, which was somewhat clear with all the small mannerisms she had while she spoke. But it only added to her charm and her genuineness. She also talked about how she was put into the foster care system, and how initially the government didn’t believe she would amount to much. People doubted her time after time, but she kept proving them wrong time after time.

She easily became my favorite speaker of the conference.

Reggie Dabbs… Reggie Dabbs my God.. He is an amazing person. He absolutely loves every student, and he never fails to tell us time after time that we are loved by God and my him. He tells us so many amazing stories about his life and kids he has encountered, and once I hear about these amazing stories, I realize that my situation is probably very miniscule, which means that I know that God can do it and can take care of it. He told us about his own story, and about how he questioned why his parents didn’t want him (he was adopted). He talked about how he didn’t feel like he had a purpose, but then he came to God, and God called him to be a minister. And he has been doing it every since.

He comes to this conference every year, and every year I feel changed by what he has to say. I just feel love and hope and grace and passion come from him. It truly is amazing. Especially when he plays the saxophone, wow. The whole arena kind of looks at him in awe, it’s just amazing.

Steven Furtick is such a powerful speaker. He tells you how it is (He also has great looks 😉 ). He is such a young pastor, yes he’s talking to over thousands of people. It really is cool what he does. I love the part where he said, “The audition is cancelled, you got the part”. It really is powerful.

Matthew Barnett is amazing. My first thought while at the conference was, “Okay, I don’t know why they brought him here. He’ll probably be like any other southern pastor, and just tell that we’re all going to heaven. This will be so weak.” Boyyyy, was I so wrong. He basically told me about my life and everything that I was missing (I mean he wasn’t really talking to me but that’s just how powerful his message was). I learned so much from that sermon.

Jentezen Franklin, who was the pastor hosting the event, gave a powerful sermon.

Lincoln Brewster also performed.

The theme was Break the Static. It was so amazing, and I really do long to go back and attend a conference again. I feel like I would definitely appreciate it even more than I did ever before. Mainly because I really feel like I need it this time around.

 

Bombed

I bombed today in Latin. Atleast, I did not do as well as I had done on Wednesday.

On Wednesday, I was on m A-game. He called on me first, and I knew the translation. I could tell him about it, and even at the end of it, he said, “Good.” I was satisfied.

And usually there’s a method to how he calls people. If he calls you one day, he’ll probably not all you the next time we meet. So I was relaxed, and didn’t even think about really going over the translation again. I just wrote down my translation and that was it.

Well, boy was I wrong. I was super overconfident, and I flustered.

I received this biggest shock of my life today when he came in and the first name he called was mine. I looked up with wide eyes, and even others had wide eyes. Every eye was on me, and they kind of had the same expression as me. They were surprised that he called me again, and called me FIRST. AGAIN.

Well crap.

Before the professor gets to class, we (well, my classmates, and I just listen) talk about how we don’t want to be called today because we didn’t finish the translations, or that he has a method to how he calls people. Or we say how he calls on people who seem like they don’t know the translation or are really good at it. We just don’t want to believe that the method is purely random.

So before class, I always review my translation so I’m not completely lost in class, but I look at it more closely if I knew that I was going to be called that day. Well, I should have looked closer.

So I did well for the first half of the translation (except I forgot the meaning of word “haud” and thought it was “but” instead of “not”. Honest mistake. Okay. Fine.

But the next sentence, wow it went so downhill that I couldn’t keep up.

I was just so unprepared. I remembered this part because I remembered having trouble with it while I was translating, but I couldn’t remember all of this stuff. Honestly, I think my nerves also got to me.

And then for the rest of the class, he was mainly talking about other stuff. People were asking him questions to buy themselves time and to make sure that no more people were chosen. And they were damn good at it. If I had not gotten chosen to translate first, I would have thought that those people asking questions were angels sent from God. But because I had already been chosen, I just wanted to translate the dang passage and get it over with. We have a test on Wednesday, so I just wanted to finish translating everything and be done with today. But literally after me were 3 other people, and then we were done. These students were professionals! They had bought themselves about 30/50 minutes of class. I was highly impressed.

We didn’t even get to today’s intended translations…

I should have reviewed :/

Oh well, now I have an interview, so I should prep for that.

“Except as a punishment for crime…”

After watching the documentary 13th, these are my afterthoughts…

The 13th Amendment: “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

“It’s not the brutality that’s changed over time”…

They found the loophole. They found their saving grace.

They found a way to create the new Jim Crow Laws, to mask the identity of the lynchers, the abusers, the killers.

The system’s been reshaped, redesigned, reformed, renewed, restored to its former glory!

Hardly even recognizable.

They found it.

Gone are the days of wearing all-white dresses, masking their guiltless faces with the crystal veil, separating them from the ones they deem unclean and unworthy. Their hats pointing high to God who they call upon to grant them the keys to the kingdom.

This time, they look us in the eye. This time, they are camouflaged. They’re with us. They’re our own neighbors, our own friends. We welcome them into our homes with open arms and open hearts, even though the gun is cocked right to our heads. Plain sight.

We entrust our lives with them, hoping that they will keep us safe. We hope that they will keep the evil guys away. And even though we watch them as they pull our kids from our laps and throw our very sons and daughters to the ground, we continue to pour more of ourselves into them and allow them to feed off of our tears, our sorrows.

We watch in unblinking awe and beautiful terror as they pull the trigger on our youth, sealing their fate. They take away our children’s freedom in order to protect their own, yet we smile to our protectors through the bloodshot and tired eyes, and applaud them on a job well done.

The devil is gone, and we are safe.

They are keeping the evils away. Oh, the irony.

Oh, how glorious it must feel to keep slavery alive! To reminisce over old days and old ways of oppression.

The stubbornness of a country to bring back their “glory days” and the “good ol’ times” when they were the superior race and only their life mattered.

How lovely the feeling of being on top at the suffering and expense of the bottom.

Let’s not call it slavery. Let’s call it mass incarceration.

Dehumanize the competition, annihilate the race little by little, as to do it without the mass even noticing it.

Shove them into cubicles unfit for even a rabbit. Feed them the crumbs. Clothe them with rags. Forget about their health!

Put them to work. Punishment is hard labor, but make a profit out of it. Let them call it… community service.

But let’s not stop there.

Get them from the root of their home. Tackle the whole family. After all, 1 in 3 African-American men in America will find their way home to the big house.

And the stereotype will live on. “Black children don’t have dads.” “Black families have the highest rates of divorce and separation.”

The education system has already given up on them. Prisons started building cells based off of elementary school standardized testing scores. Hell, their school already believed that they would not amount to much, so why should they believe in themselves?

Just like Trump said, “Get ’em outta here!” Who needs them, right?

After all, the American dream was only dreamt in one color.

They’ll make a fortune out of this business. They’ll bring back the “glory days” and “good ol’ times”.

They’ll restore peace and happiness, Oh yes!

They’ll make America great again.