Well It was Nice Meeting you

I wasn’t invited to a birthday party by someone who I thought was my best friend.

Last semester, I had helped her plan the entire event and yet I couldn’t even get an FB event, as if I had done something to her.

I tell her that I have to move out because the apartment was too expensive for me (given that the price changed on the first day of rent due to a couple tenants who felt like they should pay lower), and she throws a pity party FOR HERSELF.

F*cking baked a brownie cake with her boyfriend and friends who decided to do me dirty…

What a freaking joke.

I feel like just saying happy birthday today just to make her feel bad for not even inviting the one person who sat down and actually helped to plan the whole thing.

Maybe I should, Idk.

I tried talking with a friend earlier about this like an hour ago, and he said that she probably didn’t mean to directly hurt me. I do understand that, but the fact that after explaining everything, she felt like I could still live in that place just wasn’t feasible.

This is a financial problem. You can’t fix that unless you plan to pay the difference!

you know, the different price that your “friends” decided to put on me on the first day of the lease which happened to be inconveniently the day before the first day of classes!

And then after that, try and say that you didn’t know that all the micro-aggressions directed towards me just wasn’t something you saw as a “problem” and said that’s just “how they joke around” (!!!!!!). All those times that I told you the problem, you said you could see it, but you felt like we could talk it out and it’d be okay?????

This is so similar to all the micro-aggression from blatant racism in America! You think we can just talk that out one out too and the problem will go away???

I don’t know, if you’re a friend, you’d understand that I need to leave, I need to move out for my mental health. I can’t afford it, therefore I need to leave. And the fact that you defended your friends and said that they were in the right tells me just how close we were.

Oh and the fact that you let those other people in the apartment break up a friendship just so that they could feel financially comfortable (AND THEY’RE BOTH IN ROTC, SO I’M WONDERING WHAT FINANCIAL BURDEN THERE WAS! Not to be rude to those who fight for our freedom, but I also contemplated doing the exact same program, and I know for a fact that they have full scholarships) ….

I hope I haven’t offended anyone, but these are just my current feelings of distress, anger, a little bit of sadness, confusion, and somewhat relief (that I don’t have to play any sort of fake friendship games here).

This is just emotional vomit really, so please excuse my feelings.

But I just wish I had made better choices in friends during my years here. I mean I have made my fair share of great friends, and I feel like at this point, she may have been the last friend that needed to be filtered out.

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It has been quite a while

My, my, my, there has been so much that has happened during these past 2 weeks. Where do I even begin??

I probably won’t put it all in one blog post because that may create the world’s longest blogpost.

  1. Finals weeks (ughh)
  2. Packing and storage (another ughhh, but also a yaayy)
  3. My birthday (woot!)
  4. My travels back home (what an adventure!)
  5. My adventures while back home (mainly just Hulu)
  6. Grades (yet another ughhh, and some yays, but mostly ughh))
  7. My travel to the city with friends from both college and home (when 2 worlds collide)
  8. Swimming that one time this summer
  9. Getting my brand new laptop (Ahhh!)
  10. The summer program that I am now attending (another Ahhh!)

So I have a lot of ideas to write about, and I can’t wait to get started, it’s just figuring out if I even have enough time to write about them all >.<

I guess I’ll start with the most current. Stay tuned…

 

Time for Myself?

The more time I have given to other people, the more I realize that I really do not have time for myself. Like at all.

I thought that throwing myself into more activities this year would be a good thing for me. I would make more experiences, and it would force me to have better time management skills.

Those two things definitely did happen, but they still need to be improved.

I have yet to have any time where I have just relaxed.

I always have either an E-Board meeting for one of two groups (dance or biology), practice for my dance group, meeting up with a friend, doing homework, spending time with more friends, giving notes, answering questions, research (which I haven’t been to in a while, and the last day of classes was Wednesday), Office Hours, sending emails, getting forms signed, training for a counseling service on campus, work, etc. etc. ETC.

And even now, I am suppose to be studying with a friend, but I never get anything done with him because, well, he’s my best friend. And he’s on the phone right now.

I am just so tired and I am ready to just go home and relax. But even then, when I go home I will probably still have no time to myself.

I felt bad last night because I kind of went off on a friend who I promised we would watch a movie last night. It was right after I had an event. So I didn’t get back until about 12:43am. Right when I got back, I guess he heard my voice, so he messaged me saying if I was free. When I got to my room, I laid on my bed for a little bit just to relax. This was the first time that I had actually gotten time to myself. Just peace and quiet. My roommate was already asleep so it was just quiet.

Then my phone buzzed… it was my friend.

He was reminding me that I told him that we should have a movie night. I told him that I needed time to get ready. I almost added in the message that I needed time for myself, but I decided not to add that in.

I ended up taking about 20 minutes to take a nap, and afterwards I felt so much better. As in wide awake. I woke up, and he texts me asking me if I still wanted to do the movie night. I said, “Yes, why?” And he said, “Well, you’re still not here.” In my slightly sleepy/slightly awake state, I was pissed off. Can’t I have just an hour to myself? Why couldn’t he understand that I had just spent an entire day with people today, and I had no time to myself? I had seen him earlier in the day, so can’t he just wait for a second??

I answer, “I already told you that I needed to get ready. This includes time to relax for one second and also shower.” Right after I sent that, I knew that I had acted out of line. I know that he wanted to spend some time together, but I just needed time to relax.

He texts me saying, “I didn’t know. I’ll be in the lobby.”

I felt bad, but the night before I really wanted time to myself then too, but he just came in and took it away from me. I was sitting in the lobby and hoped that no one would be awake. Instead, he comes outside and he sees me and decides that he wanted to stay. I told him that I was studying, which I was, and I knew that he would be a distraction. He claimed to be studying too, but I knew that he wasn’t because it was already 2 in the morning. He usually slept at about 1.

I really hoped that he would go away, but he wouldn’t budge at all. Needless to say, my “me time” that was only to last for an hour turned into a 2-hour “sleep time” (I tend to fall asleep when someone is around me and it’s night time. I have no idea why). And he never left until I said that I was leaving. I didn’t get any work done and I had just wasted two hours doing what I could have done in my bed. Slept.

So I went to sleep a little pissed off, but I guess I knew that he meant well. I just think that he needed to know that I just needed space. I needed time alone. It was vital for me and my sanity.

I need to incorporate more of that into my life or else I will go crazy.