Ridiculously Late.

Today, I wake up to sunlight shining in my room. I had a dream about… something. I’ve forgotten. But I wake up form that dream, and it was as if I knew something had happened.

I immediately look at my alarm clock and it reads… 11:15am.

WOAH what???

I jump out of my bed and am yelling to the skies while I try and put on clothes while doing my hair. I was in such a panic. I have never… EVER woken up so late for classes before. Not even when I was in high school. Not even middle school. Heck, not even elementary school!

I’ve always heard of people oversleeping their classes, but that was never me. I always woke up either a few minutes later than when I was suppose to or maybe I would wake up at the time that the class started.

But today, I have classes from 9:05am-12:05pm, and I woke up at freaking 11:15am!

I had missed my physics class (which is the most important one for the day) and my sociology class (and that was my third class in a row that I am missing). I also missed half of Latin, the class that I had stayed up all night studying and preparing for. So of course I was not going to miss that one.

I threw on clothes, tried to look decent, and I ran out of the door. I had texted my friend that I had just woke up, and she said, “Lol.” No, no “lol.” This wasn’t funny for me. I had missed most of my classes. My mom is not paying for me to go to this school just to miss my classes.

I started thinking to myself how I could have woken up so late.

I mean yea I had stayed up super late last night (and I should not have. I should have went to bed by 2am, but I guess peer pressure). I didn’t really go to sleep until about 5am. But I’ve done that before in the past, and I still managed to wake up for classes.

And then I thought… This is the first time that I didn’t have a roommate.

So long story short, my roommate moved out over February break. We had gotten into a huge fight, and she decided to leave. Thank God! I was actually looking for housing when she came in, argued, then left. It was just great!

So now I have this whole room to myself, which is super nice. I turned her bed into something like a long lounge chair where I can sit and work, and it has served me very well. I covered it with my gray blanked and put my red armchair there as well. It’s perfect.

One this about the room is that… it gets kind of lonely.

I have had about 5 roommates up to now (counting the summers), and I am so used to having someone in the room that it feels weird when I don’t. And many of my friends are doing their own thing now, with their own friend groups. So I literally am just in my room studying or wasting time. It gets lonely, but sometimes I really do need the time to myself.

But one thing I hadn’t realized is that in the past, I would wake up to my roommates waking up. As a result, I would never sleep in so late. Even when I was late, I wasn’t extremely late.

Today, I realized that I did not have anyone to come and check on if I was awake or not. Friends in physics didn’t even text asking me where I was. And I didn’t have anyone in sociology checking on me, even if I shared that class with people.

I don’t know, I just thought that someone would have texted me asking me if I would be in class or not. It was as if nothing changed if I was there or not.

I’ve been struggling with this, feeling like I am not really a part of anyone’s life or significant. I know I shouldn’t define myself based on others, but it can be hard because that’s how the world works.

Because what if I were to just leave? Would anyone notice? Would anyone check where I went? What if I got kidnapped? Would life just go on?

I may be thinking too much into it, but I’ve just been kind of lonely recently.

And it seems like all the friends I did make are kind of keeping their distance now, and it makes me sad. I’m sure it was because of the past relationship I was in. It didn’t end well and, well, it somewhat divided the friend group. And many of them went to the other side.

But anyways, I should not have been that late today. I really have no excuse for it.

I ran to Latin, and thank God it was a calm day. I was kind of upset that he didn’t even go over the passages that I had stayed up translating last night, but whatever. Atleast I had made it to ONE of my classes today.

Now I have 2 prelims tomorrow (Biochem and Physics) and I really need to study.

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A Feeling of a Foreign Home

This morning I wake up in a different country – a country that for whatever reason felt so foreign and so new to me, though I have spent my last 20 years here.

I got back from Nicaragua at 6am, and I just woke up. It took me so long to get used to everything. I haven’t been able to use my laptop or any electronics this last week. I only used my phone for taking pictures.

My stomach is still doing some small backflips and my head still feels a little stuffy, but that may be because of the small amount of whiskey I drank last night…

Anyways, it feels good to be back in the US. I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Nicaragua, but I don’t think I could have stayed for longer than a week there. It was definitely a culture shock, and it took some getting used to. For example, the bathrooms were just holes in the ground, the water was solar-powered. The sinks were outside as well. Food was all vegetarian and fresh. No mirrors. No outlets except in one building. Dogs everywhere. No paved roads, no fresh air (I was still blowing dirt out of my nose today. It was disgusting.)

I hadn’t touched my laptop in a week. All of my clothes has dirt on them, so now I have to sort between what is dirty and what isn’t.

The first thing I did this morning was try and charge my phone. For whatever reason, it’s not working. How ironic. The fact that I can use my phone now, but now it doesn’t work…

I also finally got used to using a mirror again. I looked in it today and noticed how much weight I had lost and how much darker I was. I also noticed that my hair really needed a touch-up.

My feet are super ashy and cracked. They’ve looked like that throughout the entire time in Nicaragua. and I really didn’t care for most of the time. Now, I feel self-conscious about them.

Even using the bathroom felt weird, but it also felt comforting. It was clean. The water was clean. The kitchen was clean.

I also had a very bad sense of time right now. In Nicaragua, the time is an hour behind. Because my phone had died, I didn’t know what time it was.

I open the door to my friend’s apartment (the place I’ll be staying until the residence halls open), and thank God I found it, because I was cold and tired (traveling can take a good amount of energy out of you, especially when you aren’t feeling well). His neighbor came out and said hi to me. I asked him what time it was, and he said it was 6am! I was super surprised. I thought it was about 4. My time perception was extremely bad. When I woke up today, I thought it was 8am. Instead, it was 11:30am.

The first thing I grabbed to eat today was some Goldfish with orange juice. I was craving some processed food, as bad as it sounds. I needed something that wasn’t fruit or cheese.

I am also still scooping dirt from under my nails. My nails for whatever reason grew super fast while I was in Nicaragua. I was trying to shorten them, but they just kept growing.

I’m looking at the shoes that I took to Nicaragua and they are all so brown that I don’t think I’ll be able to wear them anymore. They also left dirt on my others clothes, so that’s always great.

I’ve been watching “How to Get Away with Murder” for the past 2-3 hours. Maybe I just needed a reminder on how America works?

Accommodating

Having a roommate is usually not a problem for me. It’s usually been fun actually having someone to share a place with. And usually each person has had a roommate before, so we kind of stay out of each other’s way. We also liked the fact that the room was mainly quiet. I guess we kind of understood that we didn’t want to talk because that’s all we’ve been doing during the day. Plus, coming from classes and doing work and focusing all day, sometimes you just wanted to get back to your room and unwind.

Well, this is not how it has been this year.

My roommate this year is… different to say the least. She has never lived with anyone before this, so ┬áshe is not used to sharing a common place or common room with anyone.

And I think she is still trying to understand how that is because we do not get along very much.

She is always asking me to do this and do that, and can you please do this, and can you please do that? And I barely do anything as it is.

So here are a few things, to name a few:

  1. She is always asking me to close the window even though she is the one with the fan and I am not. I told her that I needed
  2. There was a weekend where she had asked me for personal space for BOTH days of the weekend. I was just like Really? I was already on my way home, and I was ready to just unwind and relax. I have yet to understand what that was all about, whether she wanted a guy over or she just wanted the room to herself. I still don’t know how that works because she is always in the room. As in ALWAYS. And I’m barely ever in the room, so the time that I want to be is when she asks for the free time? I was utterly confused.
  3. She asked me to turn off all of the lights, even though I was in the middle of studying. I was thinking about it, and I realized that it was super inconsiderate of her to ask me to turn them off even though I was the one studying. I offered to just have my own desk lamp on because I needed to study, and she was just like “No, it’s okay. I will just stay awake.” At that moment, I kind of just said okay, because I was not willing to cut my study time in half. People were already in the study lounge so I was not going to study there. And I had a prelim in a few days, a very important one.
  4. I walked in one time and saw her cuddled up with a guy on her bed. I guess that was not a problem, but it was just that I was not notified or anything about it. The guy woke up when I came in and he was just like “Hello.” I was just like, “Hi.” It was kinda awkward, so I just grabbed my jacket and left.
  5. I always ask her if I can play music in the room, so this time she was like sure. So I plug in my music. Music helps me to focus on homework while studying. And this night (actually, it was last night), it really helped since I was studying for this Genetic prelim (I really hope I did well. I had it today and well.. it could’ve gone one of 2 ways, and I just hope it went in the right direction). So I am playing my music for a little bit. And I put on the music from my Spotify that is very calming and relaxation to help me focus. It played for about 20-30 minutes, then she said for me to put in earphones. I was just confused because she had just said that I could play it. So I put on my earphones (the ones that have one side messed up). I guess what bothers me is that I do not tell her to lower her things unless it is blatantly loud. Like there was a time when I wanted to take a nap, and her show was on just way to high. As in, you could hear it from outside of the room. So I asked if she could please lower it. Instead, she shuts her laptop and walks out of the room. I was confused because she would ask me to do these things plenty of times.
  6. She is always asking me to turn off my hanging lights, though during the first week of school she was saying how she really liked them. I only ever put them on at night to set the mood and so I won’t have to turn on my desk light (you know, the one that she said herself that she didn’t like). There was a time when I had my hang lights on and then she asked, “Hey can we turn off that light?” I said, “Sure, can I just turn on my desk light?” And that’s when she said, “Oh… can we have all the lights off tonight?” I’m just like what? I stare at her for a second wondering if he was serious, and she was. The thing is that she wasn’t even going to bed. She was just chilling

Emotional Mother’s Day posts

All of these Mother’s Day posts make get me so emotional. Just imagining how much our mothers mean to us has been so heart-wrenching because I want to give them back so much, yet once you think about the sacrifice they have… there’s no way of returning that. They is just no way.

I just finished writing mine (very emotional), and I actually had to block my mom from reading the post I made because just thinking about her reading it… I know she would get emotional and I would get super emotional and would not be able to continue my work. I also had to block a few other people but… they didn’t deserve to see it.

Anyways, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! You are truly God-given jewels and I am so blessed for each and every one of you! ­čÖé

Doctor in the Making

Factoring out academics, I feel like I am on the right track to becoming a doctor.

Of course, I cannot tell this to the people reading my medical school application.

I mean I have a little bit of shadowing experience with an ENT, Head, and Neck Surgeon and that was definitely an experience.

I got into this summer program that is for aspiring medical doctors! I will be shadowing physicians, tour a medical school, take a 3-credit class, receive a stipend along with have housing and meals and transportation paid for. I am super excited because this is a program that I was hoping and praying to be accepted into for over a year now. Now that I got in, I wonder if this was really what I wanted.

There was no doubt in my mind before this moment. What if I am not as into the medical field as I thought? What if I end up wasting a summer? What if I hate the location and the people in the program?

Okay, I don’t think I will hate the people in the program, but I just want to know that I will make some sort of relationship with the people.

This program is only for half my summer, and I already went home for spring break, so I kind of just want to go somewhere else for the summer. I don’t want to stay home, as bad as it sounds. I just don’t feel like I get much done at home. I was home for the entire winter break and didn’t do a single thing. It was glorious, but it was definitely a time when I could have gotten so much done.

I am thinking about staying in my college for the next half of the summer. Hopefully that can happen and it will be glorious. I already know plenty of people staying on campus, and I have already stayed on campus for two consecutive summers (the first time was not by choice, and the second one was a program that I could not pass up. It was more of a branch off of the summer before). So far, I have really liked my time here and I am ready to stay for another summer, though many people say I should just stay home.

Decisions, decisions… and I’m running out of time.

Another Bio Test. Woot.

Friday was also the day that I had my 2nd Bio prelim of the semester.

Lord, what a mess!

I had studied the night before until about 5am, and walked home from the library at about 5:30am. It was a struggle because I had to wake up at 9am. Ugh.

So I went to my orgo class in the morning (I never miss orgo unless I sleep in or an event happened out of my control), and I skipped my next class to study for bio. I studied for bio for about 2.5 hours (basically until the test started). After going through all those powerpoints, I realized just how much I had slept through the lectures.

And I was in the front row! >.<

I couldn’t believe all the information I had missed, but after those powerpoints, I felt soo much more confident for the test.

So the test starts.

And I flip that first page…

I stare at it and wonder why I even studied.

Every single question was super specific. I couldn’t believe it. He asked about subjects that he would skim for maybe 2 minutes out of the 50-minute lecture. Many of the words were familiar, but I couldn’t remember why.

What really sucked was that a friend of mine (Well, more like an acquaintance) was busted for cheating. I knew that he had cheated on the last test, but I thought that he had actually tried to study and understand the subject this time around. I guess not. A TA had caught him and told him to bring his test and walk out of the room. He casually said, “Okay.” Jeez, he should’ve been smarter.

I finished the test and realized that I had just failed the test. I walked out of the auditorium feeling utterly defeated. Apparently, this was a common feeling amongst my classmates. I overheard conversations like “That was a really hard test” and “I have no idea what the answer was for that question.” And of course I heard a few of those people who understood everything on that test saying “Yea, that was the answer. It wasn’t bad at all.”

I really hate those people.

After that, I just went to go and eat because that was all I could do. After that, I took the longest nap on some couch.

That was honestly the best 2.5-hour nap I’ve had in a really long time.

Atleast the sun was shining outside and it was a gorgeous day. God was reassuring me that everything would still be alright.

Under the Stars

Last Friday night was the first time that my partner and I went out on an actual date.

Wow, it still feels weird saying it.

We went to something called The Observatory where we were able to watch the stars under a clear blue sky and a slightly chilly night. We looked at the moon and the constellation of stars. We looked through a huge telescope that was pointed at Jupiter. It was pretty cool and relaxed.

For the most part, we just talked. We talked about how our relationship had developed during the months before we actually went out. We also talked about how he went about asking me out. It was a very interesting and eye-opening conversation.

We talked about Valentine’s Day and how I had written him a card. He said that his feelings for me had come and gone, but they came back around that time. I guess that was around the same time for me too.

That was when I also talked to him about how hard it was to talk about my emotions for him. I have never had to do that for a guy before. In fact, I try to avoid the conversation altogether by not getting intimate with a guy. That was when  realized that this may have been the reason as to why I avoided eye contact with guys for so long. In fact, I still do it.

It’s a hard habit to break.

So I am still in that phase of the relationship: sharing feelings. I don’t know how I feel about this, because I hate feeling vulnerable to anyone.

We got back to our residence hall, and we just hung out for a while. Then, he told met that I didn’t initiate as much as he did. In fact, I never did. I didn’t realize it until he said it. So I decided that I would make an effort to do so.

I think that is the hardest part for me: initiating. I never knew how. I just let the guy lead, and I thought that was how things were. Nope.

You learn something new each day.